TAURUS-Apr 21-May 21
Consider hiring a private investigator to find out where your wife goes every Monday, she says she goes to the gym but judging by the size of her backside can you be sure. You know she cheated once before and remember the next time she asks "Does this dress make my bum look big" be honest and say "No it's all the chocolate and pies you eat that do that".  

GEMINI-May 22-Jun 21
With the arrival of Saturn over the back of the greenhouse this week, watch out for a cold snap which could do your bedding plants right up. Cover them up with a blanket or some old sacking. Ignoring this warning could have serious implications and at £3.99p for 18 plants they wont be cheap to replace. Tell the neighbours and you will soon be flavour of the month again, people have short memories.

CANCER-Jun 22-Jul 23
This year a property will catch your eye in the local paper, it's far to expensive for someone on your wages but what the hell. With Pluto on the horizon go for it, family will thank you in the long run even though it will mean new schools and new jobs and a different way of life for probably the next ten years or more. Dining out, takeaways and overseas holidays are overrated anyway. Be firm !

LEO-Jul 24-Aug 23
Think about renting an Allotment this year, just imagine all those home grown vegetables and all the money you and your family could be saving. But don't rush into it, think of your back and all the evenings stuck down there digging when all you really want to do is go down the pub with your mates and have a kebab on the way home.....Stuff the Allotment... you know it makes sense.  

VIRGO- Aug 24-Sep 23
This week get a quote for having your facia,soffit and guttering replaced but make sure they take the old wooden facia and soffit down and don't just skin it over to save time. With Mercury heading your way go for the upvc option, it will look good for years and only needs a wipe over from time to time. Wait till Thursday before phoning anybody.

LIBRA-Sep 24-Oct 23
Have a good clearout this week and throw out anything that you don't use anymore, especially shoes and hats but not T shirts they always come in handy for rags when polishing the car or as dusters around the house. Try and sell your daughters pet Rabbit this year and tell her it ran off, after all its you whose been cleaning the thing out for the last two years. She'll soon forget!

SCORPIO-Oct 24-Nov 22
This year with the new moon upon us in the Spring, it is most important to get the front garden block paved. The obvious advantages of off road parking and the added security features, which should include a very bright security light, will help you to forget the spate of burglaries which have plagued your road for weeks now. Don't worry, but buying a big dog might not be such a bad idea.

SAGITTARIUS- Nov-23-Dec 2                                                                                                         The year ahead is going to be a difficult one, do you feel afraid? and if so ask yourself why?. It's never a good time to get away and spend time alone but this year you may feel you have to in order to think about the rest of your life and what you intend to do with it. Can you go on as you are? only you know the answer.  This time make the decision for yourself and not others.

CAPRICORN-Dec 22-Jan 20                                                Others are relying on you to much, tell them where to get of and try to set aside more time for yourself. This year consider going back to knitting you know you used to love it, maybe a new jumper or a hat for the coming winter. But this time keep it under control and don't let it take over your life. last time it nearly cost you your marriage, so think on!

AQUARIUS-Jan-21-FEB 19                                                                      A difficult situation rears it's ugly head this week in the shape of your ex wife, and when I say ugly head what ever possessed you to marry her. She was one in a million and you had to get her. Don't let her try and worm her way back in just because her new husband has run away with the bloke from the corner shop. You never knew which way to turn then, and now is no different.

PISCES-Feb 20-Mar 20
The coming year will mean losing a few stone or risk losing your husband. He still loves you but how long is it now since he walked alongside you to the shops instead of 10 yards behind you? Is he ashamed of being seen with a lump like you?, they say beauty is only skin deep buts that's usually what ugly people say and not the good looking ones. Try not to worry!