THE NEW RELIGION
I’ve started a new religion, after all they all had to start somewhere and with somebody making up the rules.
My religion will be known as KeDonald or KeDonaldism.
Some of our beliefs will be based on the fact that all food that is good for you is bad.
And all food that is bad for you is good. (Not to be taken to seriously)
Our lives will be based loosely on the following-
When entering a place sacred to us, for example a fast food outlet or even standing next to a Kebab van, or in a Fish and Chip shop waiting, it will be customary to wear a Black
Mac or similar item of wet weather clothing and a Stetson. Though this is not compulsory, believers should try and keep the said articles of clothing in their vehicle just in case they should be required. It could also be useful when stopped by the Police. If the Policeman was a fellow believer it might just swing things in your favour. (If you know what I mean?)
Other aspects of the KeDonald faith would mean Drinking chocolate would be outlawed, (eh) and consuming a Pot Noodle in public frowned upon.
Love making with your own partner would be banned on Tuesdays.
Muesli and low calorie food and health drinks would be seen as the work of the devil and must not be touched. (Basically were lazy slobs, but happy)
To much exercise and over exertion would be seen as trying to wake the KeDonald
Prophet from his deep sleep (He’s bone idol) and this will not be tolerated.
When riding a motorcycle-the Stetson must be worn over the crash helmet with a good sturdy chinstrap to hold it in place.
Like wise playing polo or any other sport, which requires protective headgear, the Stetson must be worn. (Go on stand out in a crowd, be proud)
A waterproof Stetson will be allowed when playing water polo.
Christmas will be on leap year day (once every four years) Hooray!)
Women followers will be required to wear stockings and suspenders at all times.
Whelks will be seen as Holy food and will be consumed at the coming of age ceremony. (One small plate for the host)
This celebration will be known as the curry do and will be held in one of our most sacred and Holy of places-An Indian Restaurant.
At this event the other KeDonald believers will be expected to eat drink and be very merry and throw themselves whole-heartedly into the occasion.
Guinness will be the new Holy water. But is not advisable to be drunk as a compliment to the Vinderloo. (I did this once, 5 pints of Guinness and a chicken Vinderloo, and during the following night I had what I can only describe as an out of body experience!!!) That was the night I saw the Prophet KeDonald standing at the foot of my bed. It was then he said that I had been chosen to lead the believers into the promised land (Hounslow) I said that I would do my best but couldn’t promise anything, and if he was going to pop in again could he make it a Saturday as during the week I have to be up at five for work. People have asked me what he looked like; all I can say is that he bore an uncanny resemblance to George Fornby. (Ukulele player from the 40s)
Our Mecca will be a certain Indian Restaurant; the location of this restaurant will only be available to fully paid up members of the KeDonald faith. And once a year by invitation only a pilgrimage will go to this place for the KeDonald APU (jolly up).
Processed Pop music will be banned at all times, and any believers caught listening to this, will be struck of the register. (But can rejoin if they say sorry)
The month of June will be known as Bamalamb and during this month no food can be consumed during the hours of darkness. (In England this will be about 10.30pm to about 04.00am) Tough I know, but be strong, you’ll thank me one day!!!
Thursday is our Sabbath. why?) "I don’t know, It just is okay".
Believers in the KeDonald faith have no dislikes or grievances to any other religions, faiths, sexual groups, gender, colour creed or race. In other words we love everybody and everything. (Within reason) (I mean no one likes a smart arse)
Now how bad is that?
Be proud of your new religion and who knows in two thousand years it might be all the rage!!!
If you would like to join the Kedonald faith and be added to the ever-increasing list of followers please
e-mail your name and address to one of the contacts at the bottom of this page.
MAY THE FAITH BE WITH YOU
Features
Your Horoscope according to KeDonald (Nov 2002)
The Story of Creation
The Kedonald Calendar and Services
Your New Year Horoscope according to KeDonald (Nov 2003)
The Year of The Pot Noodle Horoscope (Nov 2004)
Your Problems answered by the Chief Nanoo
The forthcoming years and what they represent to the kedonald faith
The Second Coming
Global Predictions
Letters to the Nanoo
The Chief Nanoo
around town
Kedonald Heaven
The Nanoo's log
Contact
TheChiefNanoo@KeDonald.co.uk
TheMarharishiBandsaw@KeDonald.co.uk