A look at Kedonald heaven
(The
Afterlife)
Kedonald Heaven is a wonderful place where the Kf believers go after they die.
It is a place where the Sun shines for most of the day and is usually about 75 degrees, not to hot, not to cold just right. No humidity but a nice dry heat. (Perfect)
The Pubs and Indian Restaurants and other Holy places of worship are dirt-cheap and there are never any queues anywhere, not even in the Post office or the Bank.
The roads are always quiet and the traffic lights always green, and nobody ever presses the button on the pedestrian crossing just as you are getting close to it.
You don’t have to work but are expected to potter, in order to potter in a correct fashion you will be issued with a garden and a garden shed as you travel through the Turnstiles at the entrance to Kedonald Heaven.
For those of you not familiar with the art of pottering I can only describe it as doing something in the garden or the house that you don’t really have to do. In other words it’s those little jobs that can be done anytime or just when you feel like it.
Life will be conducted at a leisurely pace but the weekends will be set aside for visiting the Holy Restaurants and for the consuming of the Holy water (Guinness)
The background music for life in Kh will be stuff like Steely Dan or the Eagles because lets face it everybody loves them.
Manufactured Boy and Girl bands will not be allowed in, ex Morris dancers and Traffic Wardens will be ostracised as seen as Evil.
Female members of the faith will still be expected to wear stockings and suspenders at all times, just like on earth. But in the afterlife there must always be the chance for the male members to catch sight of a stocking top, or even glimpse down a deep cleavage.
The vehicles in Kh will never run out of fuel and tax and insurance wont be necessary. Parking will be permitted everywhere.
A parking space right outside where you want to go will always be available.
Music will be of the highest quality and anyone caught trying to make money from somebody else’s talent i.e. Boy/Girl band cover versions will be publicly ridiculed and placed in the stocks where other Kh residents can see them and throw fruit and veg at them if they wish. After this public humiliation they will be banished from Kh to a place where pop idol is on the telly endlessly, in other words HELL.
KHTV will broadcast round the clock, and a never ending supply of good quality comedy programmes will be shown, repeats will never need to be shown only maybe on Kedonaldmas Day (February 29th) (Eric & Ernie) Fools & Horses) Tommy Cooper)
The ladies in Kh will never have headaches and sex will always be a possibility.
Now you must understand that a lot of these things have come from my mind and are not as the result of a visit, but lets face it if Kedonald heaven is anything like I imagine. I don’t know about you but personally I can’t wait!!!!!